Stop Falling for Potential: Date Who They Are TODAY

Are you in love with the person in front of you, or the person you're hoping they'll eventually become? ❤️

In this week's Love Lesson, we're talking about the difference between chemistry and compatibility, why your partner shouldn't become your personal project, and the importance of paying attention to patterns instead of promises.

Because potential is who someone could become, but compatibility is whether who they are TODAY fits the life you're building.

PLUS, I'm sharing more about First Date with Martis ❤️,  my new LIVE virtual blind-date experience where I'll be matching singles based on preferences, interests, values, lifestyle, and relationship goals!

Interested in participating? 
📩  https://form.jotform.com/262233671445153 

Remember: Healthy love starts with a healthy you 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:26

Hey my loves, and welcome back to another episode of Love Talk with Martisse the Love Coach. As you know, today is Friday. So y'all know it's love lessons today. I want you to remember that this podcast is where we have real conversations, okay? We talk about love, relationships, healing, and everything in between. Now, today I might step on a few toes, including some toes that I have personally had myself. Because today we're talking about something I think almost all of us had done at some point in our lives, right? We fell in love with somebody's potential. So today's episode is called Stop Falling for Potential and Date Who They Are Today. And before I tell you to go grab your drinks, I want to ask you one question. If the person you're dating right now never changed, would you still want them? Don't answer too quickly because somebody listened and already said yep. But really think about it. If their communication never approved, if their ambition stayed where it's at right now today, if their spending habits stayed the same, if their efforts stayed exactly where they are right now, if their attitude stayed exactly the same, would you really still choose the same person? Because sometimes we're not actually in love with the person standing in front of us. We're in love when with the person we've convinced ourselves that they'll eventually become. And baby, that's two different things, two different relationships. So what I want you to do is go grab your coffee, your mocktail, your cocktail, your tea, your water, whatever you're sipping on on this beautiful Friday. It's been a long week. And come back and let's talk love.

unknown 2:09

Love, talk.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

Got a journal in your hand, do the work from your own, page by page. You ain't walking alone from the ashes of the host to the brand new. Trust in the process, let's love come through. We talking boundaries, we talking great space, we talking falling for the right one in the right space. We'll talk.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

Alright, so my loves, have you ever heard somebody say, I know he has some things he needs to work on, but that but right? But he's got so much potential. Or she just needs somebody to love her correctly. Once he gets himself together, once she heals, once he gets a better job, once he becomes more responsible, once she learns how to communicate. Okay, but what what about right now? Because that person you're describing after all those once is doesn't even exist yet. I mean, they may become that person, and I really hope they do, but what if they don't? And you cannot build a healthy relationship around somebody's hypothetical future. Now, I want to make something very clear. Seeing potential in somebody is not automatically unhealthy. When you love somebody, you should be able to see greatness in them. You should encourage your partner, support their goals, and celebrate their growth, believe in them when they're working towards something. I mean, that's beautiful. The problem is when the relationship requires them to change in order for you to be happy. Now there's a difference. There's a difference between saying, I love who you are, and I'm excited about who you're becoming, and they're saying, I don't really like who you are right now, but I'm hoping eventually you'll become somebody I can be happy with. Those are two completely different statements. Let me give you our first love gym. I want you to remember this. Never make somebody's someone's potential the price of a mission for staying in a relationship that isn't meeting your needs today. Because sometimes we're giving people credit for work they haven't even done yet. We're like, I know he's gonna be a great husband. Ma'am, he hasn't even decided whether he wants to be a great boyfriend. Slow down, okay? Or I know she's gonna change once she realized how much I love her, maybe. But what if she don't? That's the question people don't want to ask. Sometimes we fall for our own imagination. And here's where I really want to coach today is because sometimes the other person doesn't even sell us the dream. We sold it to ourselves. They showed us exactly who they were. They told us, I'm not looking for anything serious. But what we heard was I'm not looking for anything serious yet. Because once he gets to know me, no. He didn't say the rest of that. You did. Or somebody tells you, I'm not really good at relationships, and instead of listening, you think that's because they've never experienced love like mine. Baby, come back to earth, come back to reality. Because sometimes we take somebody's honesty and we rewrite it into an answer we want. Why do we do that? Well, the short or long answer is it's because we genuinely care about the person. We see something in them, we see glimpses of who they could be and that potential. And sometimes we don't want to accept that having chemistry with somebody doesn't automatically mean they're ready to give us the relationship we deserve or need. And that's a hard pill to swallow, especially when there are good moments. I mean, maybe they're funny, maybe they're attractive, maybe the sex is top tier. Maybe y'all can talk for hours. Maybe when things are good, they're really, really good. And those good moments keep giving us just enough hope to think, see, that's the person I know he can be, or that's the person I know she can be. But love. A relationship isn't built on somebody's best moments, it's built on their patterns. So remember to stop judging people only by their potential and start paying attention to their patterns. Anybody can have a good day, anybody can apologize, anybody can make promises, anybody can tell you what they're going to do. But what happens consistently, that's where the truth usually lives. Growth has to be their choice, honestly. You cannot love somebody into becoming the person you think they should be. You can encourage them, you can support them, you can communicate what you need, but ultimately, growth has to be their decision. Because if you're doing all the work reminding them, pushing them, motivating them, teaching them how to treat you, begging them to communicate, begging them to commit, begging them to take life seriously, at some point, you're no longer building a relationship, you're managing a project. And baby, your partner should not be your project. So today I want you to think about the person you're dating or even somebody you dated in the past, and ask yourself, was I in love with who they are or who they actually were, basically, or was I in love with who I believe they could become? Because, see, there's a difference. I want to talk to y'all about chemistry versus compatibility. Because, see, you can have those butterflies and you can have the attraction and you can have the amazing conversations, and the sexual chemistry can make you forget your own zip code. I mean, if it's that good, right? And still not be compatible enough to build a healthy life together, and that is where we're going to now. Because I want to I want to make sure you know, just because it feels good doesn't mean it fits. Now, you can have some amazing chemistry with somebody who is just absolutely not compatible with your life that you're trying to build. And I think that's where dating gets confusing. Because when chemistry is so strong, we start thinking this has to mean something. I mean, maybe it does, but it doesn't automatically mean relationship. Okay, so let's break it down, right? So, what is chemistry? I like to say, think of chemistry as the spark, right? The butterflies, the attraction, the flirting, the way the conversation just flows. It's when you you look at your phone and you see their name and you immediately start smiling. It's like stand on the phone at 2 o'clock in the morning talking about absolutely nothing. If you get the feeling of, oh man, I like this person. Okay, and chemistry is beautiful. Don't get me wrong. I want you to have chemistry with your partner. Please don't leave this episode saying Martisse said chemistry don't matter because it do. Chemistry matters. But see, chemistry is only one piece of the relationship. All right, now let's break down compatibility. Because, see, compatibility asks deeper questions. Do we want the same kind of relationship? Do our values align? How do we communicate? How do we handle conflict? Are our lifestyles compatible? Do we agree on marriage, finances, children, family, faith, sex, boundaries? What does commitment mean to like both of us? Because you can laugh all night and all day together and still disagree about every major decision that comes when building a life together. And those butterflies aren't going to answer those questions for you, to be real. I want you to also remember that chemistry makes you want somebody, but compatibility helps determine whether you can actually build with them. And yes, you need both. I've heard so many times that our connection is so different. Like I heard that statement so much, like our connection is different, they're so different. Like, this person has never made me feel like how other people made me feel. This is different for me. Different how though? Because sometimes what we're calling like an undeniable connection is really just an intense attraction to someone, and intensity can feel like intimacy sometimes, but they're not always the same thing. See, you can feel deeply connected to somebody and still have absolutely no idea whether they know how to maintain a healthy relationship. That's why you have to give dating time. Stop deciding if somebody is your person after three dates or even four dates sometimes. You haven't even seen them irritated yet. You haven't seen how they respond when you tell them no or if you disagreed about something. You haven't watched how they handle stress, you haven't seen whether their words really match their actions. You're still meeting the representative. Okay, you're meeting the person they want you to see. Give it some time. Pay attention to how you fit. Instead of asking how strongly do I feel about this person, start asking how well does this first person fit into my life that I'm actually building? Maybe you're looking for marriage and they're telling you they don't believe in marriage. That's not something you should hear and think. Well, maybe they'll change. That's that potential again. Maybe you want children and they absolutely don't. Maybe you're financially responsible and they're constantly borrowing money and refusing to change their habits. Maybe communication is extremely important to you and they disappear every time there's conflict. Those aren't little things, guys. Those are compatibility issues, and love does not magically erase them. Don't negotiate your future for chemistry. Do not, and this is where I see people get stuck. You finally meet someone you're attracted to, the conversation is good, the chemistry is crazy, and because dating has been so exhausting, you started thinking, I don't want to lose this. So little by little, you start negotiating, right? You say, Well, I wanted marriage, but I don't need it. Or I wanted someone emotionally available, but maybe I just need to be patient. I said that was a deal breaker, but there goes that butt again. Because my love, be careful that your desires are not misunderstood. Be careful that your desire to keep a connection doesn't cause you to abandon the standards you've had before the connection even showed up. Don't let chemistry talk you out of standards you created when you were thinking clearly. Okay? You were thinking clearly when you created those standards. That's why knowing what you want before you start dating someone is so important. Because once those feelings get involved, suddenly everything becomes negotiable. I'm not negotiating my love or my feelings or what I deserve, and you shouldn't either. Now, this doesn't mean go look for something perfect. I'm not saying you need someone who matches you in every single area. That is unrealistic. Your partner can have different hobbies, different personalities, different tastes. One of you might want to go out and the other one is perfectly happy sitting on the couch watching TV. That is okay. See, compatibility is not about being identical. It means that differences you have with can exist with each other, right? But without constantly threatening the health of the relationship. There's room for compromise, there's mutual respect, there's communication, and most importantly, neither person has completely abandoned who they are to make the relationship work. So while you're dating, don't just ask, do I like them? Start asking questions like, do I feel safe communicating with them? Are they consistent? Do their actions really matches their words? Can we disagree respectfully? Are we looking for the same kind of relationship? Oh, and here's a big one. Am I accepting who they are today? Or am I creating a list of things I need them to change? Because if you're three weeks into dating somebody and you've already mentally redesigned their entire personality, baby, we might have a problem. Now, chemistry can introduce you, chemistry can make you curious, chemistry can make you want another date, but eventually, character and compatibility have to enter the conversation. Because you're not just looking for somebody who gives you butterflies, you're looking for somebody who can give you consistency and respect and peace and communication. We're talking about what happens when you realize the person isn't quite what you need. All right. And I want you to remember that you deserve what you want. All right. We're gonna talk about what happens when you realize the person isn't quite what you need, but instead of walking away, you decide maybe I can help them become it. I want you to remember your partner is not your project. You can support growth, but you can't force it. I want you to remember it's nothing wrong with supporting the person you love. Healthy relationships should have support. You encourage each other, you motivate each other. Again, you're you celebrate each other's accomplishments. But there's a big difference between supporting somebody's growth and then feeling responsible for creating it. Don't turn love into a job. Don't turn a relationship into a job. You can't want it more than they do. This is one of the biggest lessons I want you to take from today's episode. You cannot want better for somebody more than they want better for themselves. You can't. Okay. You can't know that they're talented. You can't know that they're talented and then say, I know that you're talented, so you know that you gotta be talented, so you gotta do this to do this and do that. That's not fair. You can know that they could be become more responsible. You can know that they could become better communicators, you can know that they could heal, but if they don't see that change, what are you working with? Because eventually you're going to become exhausted trying to pull somebody towards a version of themselves that they haven't even decided to become. And that happens so gradually that you don't even realize it. At first, you're just helping, then you're reminding, then you're reminding again, and then you're making their appointments, fixing their problems, you're constantly giving advice, you're telling them what they should say, you're pushing them to communicate, and then you're managing their responsibilities, you're constantly trying to motivate them, and now you're frustrated. You're frustrated because if I don't do it, it won't get done. That's something you need to pay attention to because you wanted a partner, but somewhere along the line, you became their manager. And I'm not saying it's nothing wrong because truthfully, I do a lot for my wife. But the energy is reciprocated. Like she does a lot for me. When you constantly have to parent somebody in a romantic relationship, it can eventually affect attraction too. Because it's hard to feel like somebody loves you or you're somebody's lover when you constantly feel like you're responsible for keeping their life together. I want you to stop saying in your head, I know they can do better. I mean, maybe they can. That's the difficult part, right? Maybe you're absolutely right about their potential. Maybe they could become everything you see in them. But the question is, are they actually doing the work? Not talking about it, not promising it, not saying, I'm gonna start Monday. Are they actually doing something? Because growth has evidence. If somebody's saying that they're working on communication, you should eventually experience better communication. If they're working on finances, there should eventually be some different financial habits. If they're working on controlling their anger, you should eventually see a healthier response to conflicts. I know nobody changes overnight, so give people grace, but grace does not mean pretending you can't see the pattern. Now, I gotta wrap things up because as always, I'm running over my time. So here's a question I want I want you to sit with. If this person remained exactly who they are today for the next five years, would you still choose them? Not who they could become, not who they promised they're becoming, not who you remembered them being from the beginning, but who they are right now. Would you still choose this relationship? If your immediate answer is, well, if they change this, then there's your answer. That doesn't automatically mean you need to break up today, but what it does mean is there's something you need to stop avoiding because you deserve to make relationship decisions based on reality, not just hope. You're allowed to love them and still say no. All right? You can love somebody and still recognize that they're not the right partner for you. Love doesn't always equal compatibility. You can see the good in them, you can want the best for them, you can believe they're capable of incredible growth, and then still decide I cannot build my life around waiting for that growth to happen. That doesn't make you cruel, it doesn't make you heartless. It means you're being honest about what you need. Remember, your job isn't to find somebody you can fix, your job is to find somebody you can build with. Now, before I close, I want to bring love lessons home, okay? Because I know I've been I went off. If you remember anything else I said today, remember this date the person in front of you, not the person you created in your imagination. Can people grow? Absolutely. Can people change? Absolutely. But you should never have to build an entire relationship around waiting. For somebody to become ready to love you just the way you deserve to be loved. So let me leave you with a couple gems. Chemistry can introduce you, but character determines what happens next. Potential is someone who could become what you want them to become. But compatibility is whether who they are today fits the life you're building. And finally, stop choosing people based on promises and start paying attention to patterns. Alright, so if you're listening and you're thinking, Martisse, where am I supposed to find somebody? You're probably not even thinking that, but whatever. I am working on that, okay? So, as y'all know, I made an announcement last week, oh no, on Wednesday, that I am starting my show. It's a live virtual blind dating experience with Martisse the Love Coach. Now, why why this is so important for me is because y'all, I am certified for this. Like, I am a certified love coach, a relationship coach. I am the person that can help you find the perfect match. I already had a couple submissions. Thank you, thank you. Um, I had a couple submissions so far. I love that. I want more because I need to be able to match my daters. I'm going to be just looking for more than who's cute. I'm considering your prefaces, your interests, your values, your lifestyle, deal breakers, relationship goals, and there's a job form that I am going to be sending out, posting on all my social medias that you will fill out, and that is how I'm going to compare you. Chemistry is great, but compatibility matters. So if you're single, emotionally available, open to meeting someone new, and ready to take a chance, I want to hear from you. Complete the job form. Email me if you want. I'll send you information on how to apply for first dates with Martisse. So I have to wrap this up. Let me get into some love gems. Um repeat after me. I deserve the love that exists in the present, not just in promises. I trust what people consistently show me. I choose compatibility, consistency, and healthy connections. Healthy love starts with a healthy me. Alright, let's do some breathing because I didn't do it before. So let's do a deep breath in. Deep breath. Alright, so thank you so much for joining me, my loves. Remember, you don't need the perfect person, you need someone who's willing, ready, consistent, and compatible with your life. Date who they are today and let tomorrow's growth be a beautiful bonus. Don't forget, follow me, Love Talk with Martisa Love Coach. Share this episode with someone who needs it. Until next time, keep choosing healing, growth, and love. I'm Martisa Love Coach. I love you.

unknown 25:40

This is Love Talk.

SPEAKER_00 25:45

Where the truth meets the time, and the heart finds hope.