Date With Intention... Not Confusion

Letters to the Love Coach 

Are you dating with purpose... or are you just going with the flow? 

In this week's Letters to the Love Coach, Martis answers three powerful listener questions about dating, commitment, and knowing what you truly want before inviting someone into your life. 

 In this episode: 

•  Is it okay to date for fun without wanting a committed relationship? 
•  Should you date someone who's incarcerated, even when your family doesn't approve? 
•  Why is dating so hard these days, and should Martis start a blind dating show? 

Through honest conversation, practical coaching, and this week's Love Gems, Martis reminds us that healthy relationships begin with clarity, honesty, and intention.
 
Remember: Date with intention... not confusion.
 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:26

Hey my loves and welcome to another episode of Love Talk with Martisa Love Coach. We have real conversations, real healing, and real love. As always, this is your safe space to grow, heal, laugh a little, learn a little, and build a healthier relationship. And as always, we're gonna start with the relationship you have with yourself. So whether you're driving to work, cleaning the house, taking a walk, or pretending you're working while secretly listening to me, I'm here for it. I'm just happy you're here. Now, if this is your first time listening, welcome. And if you're one of my returning loves, thank you so much for being here with me every Wednesday and every Friday. You truly have no idea how much your support means to me. I mean, every message, every review, every letter, every share, every comment, every I'm so proud of you, girl. Like all of that reminds me that we're building something really special together. And I do not take that for granted. Now, I want you to know that it is time for our letters to the love coach, but these are real letters from real people asking real questions about real relationships, okay? Real healing, real friendships, real dating, real family, and real life. This is not a joke. This is people lives. So if you would ever like a letter featured on this podcast, send it to me. You can remain anonymously. Alright, so before we get into today's conversation, you know the routine. Go grab your coffee, your tea, your water, your drink, whatever you gotta do to get comfortable and get ready. And let's talk love.

SPEAKER_01 2:17

Love talk. Gotta journal in your hand, do the work from your own, page by page. You ain't walking alone from the ashes of the O see of Brandu. We talking boundaries. We talking.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

Alright, so I'm gonna ask y'all something. When was the last time you actually sat down and asked yourself, what am I dating for? Not what your mama wants, not what your friends think, not what social media says, but you. Like, what are you dating for? Because a lot of people are dating, but they have no direction. They're just going with the flow, they're just seeing what happens. I mean, taking it day by day. And that does sound relaxing and just stress-free, but it creates a lot of confusion. I want to say this, and you can quote me on it because it never fails. If you date without intention, you often end up in confusion. Write that down. Date with intention, not confusion. Because what happens is one person is dating for marriage, the other person is dating because they're bored, one person is dating because they're lonely, the other person is dating because they just got out of relationship and I mean they want somebody to hang with. One person is thinking, I can see myself spending forever with them. Then the other person is thinking, I hope they don't think this is gonna be a long-lasting relationship. You see the problem? So neither person is wrong. They're just dating with completely different intentions, and that is where people get hurt. Not because someone was a bad person, but because nobody was honest about where they were and what they wanted in the beginning, even in the dating stage. I don't think everybody should be dating for marriage. That's just my opinion. Don't lock off, hear me out. If you're still healing, if you're fresh out of a divorce, if you're emotionally unavailable, if you know you don't have the capacity to pour into someone right now, maybe marriage shouldn't be your goal today, just today. And that's okay. Because what's important is being honest about it, because honesty, honesty gives people a choice, confusion takes that choice away. So if all you want right now is companionship, say that. If all you want is to casually date, say that if all you want is to have some fun, say that. But if you're dating intentionally for marriage, say that. People deserve to know what journey they're agreeing to before they climb into the passenger seat, okay? I want to know who I'm riding with. Alright, so another question. Have you ever noticed that people spend more time planning the first date than they do planning what kind of relationship they actually want? I mean, that's the truth. I've done the research, I've looked at statistics. If you know me, you know I'm a research girl. We think about what we're gonna wear, we think about where we're gonna eat, who's paying, what time to show up, what we shouldn't talk about. You know, um, but we really ask ourselves, what kind of relationship am I trying to build? Because dating isn't just about finding somebody attractive, dating is gathering that information. You're learning, you're observing, listening, asking questions, finding out if your lives, your values, your goals, and your intentions actually align. And that's why I always tell people don't just date because somebody likes you. Date because your attentions align. Because chemistry can bring two people together, but shared intentions are what keep the people together. Okay, those shared intentions will keep people together. One person shouldn't have to convince the other to want the same future, like that conversation should happen early on, not three years later. And I think today's letters are going to remind us of that because every single one of these writers is asking something different, but underneath each question, they're saying something like, What should my intentions be? And that's exactly what we're gonna talk about today. But before we jump into our first letter, y'all know we gotta get into those love gems for our good old Wednesday. Alright, so our love gems are date with intention, not confusion. Clarity is one of the greatest acts of respect that you can give to someone. Don't make promises with your actions that your words can't keep. Dating is about discovering compatibility, not convincing someone to become who you need them to be. And finally, the healthiest relationships begin when two people are honest about where they are and where they're going. Okay, y'all hear me. Alright. Alright, so let's get into our letters. Our first letter is says, Hey Martise, I'm writing you to X. Is it okay to want to have fun with someone and enjoy life without wanting to be in a committed relationship? This came from a guy, um, but they wanted to stay anonymous. So, first, thank you for writing me. And secondly, I appreciate your honesty. Because I think there are a lot of people who feel exactly how you feel, they're just too afraid to say it out loud, to be honest. Now, my answer may surprise some people, but yes, I do think it's okay. Now, before social media clips, that one little sentence, hear me out. There's a very important condition attached to my answer. It's okay if you're honest. It's okay if you're honest in the beginning. See, I don't believe everyone is in the same season of life. Some people are ready for marriage, some people already been married, some people are ready for that type of commitment, some people are still healing, some people are focused on their careers. Some people just got out of a long relationship and know that right now they're they're not emotionally available yet. So understand me when I say life has different seasons. And I don't think we should shame people for being honest about the season they're in. The problem isn't wanting companionship without commitment, the problem is pretending you want commitment when you really, really don't. That's where people get hurt. Okay, so imagine this you meet someone, you're spending every weekend together. I mean, talking every day, going on trips, meeting each other, families, building emotional intimacy. One person is thinking, this is headed towards a relationship. The other person is thinking, wow, we're having so much fun, baby. That's not dating, that's confusion, and confusion almost always leads back to heartbreak. One of the kindest things you can do to somebody is or say to somebody is, I like you, but I'm not looking for anything serious right now. In the beginning, that may disappoint them, they may not talk to you no more. But see, disappointment heals a whole lot faster than deception. Write that down. Disappointment heals faster than deception. Because when you're honest, you're giving the other person something very important, you're giving them a choice, you're allowing them to decide whether your intentions align with their intentions. If they say, you know what, I'm looking for marriage, then guess what? Now you can make an informed decision. But if you hide your intentions, you're taking that choice away from them. And that is not fair. Can I say something to my ladies? If a man tells you I'm not looking for anything serious, please don't hear, I'll change my mind if I love him enough. Hear exactly what he's saying. And fellas, I'm talking to y'all too. If a woman tells you she's not looking for commitment, don't assume you'll be the one to change her. Believe people when they tell you where they are. Now, can people change their minds? Absolutely. People grow, people heal, people evolve. But don't date someone based on the potential that they'll eventually want what you want. Date them based on who they are today. Because potential has kept a whole lot of people in relationships far longer than they should have stayed. And here's another thing: stop saying, let's just see where this goes. I hear that so much from people. Not for me, but it just in general. And y'all know that line, we've all heard it. Sometimes it's very genuine, but sometimes it's just a software way of saying, I don't want to commit, but I don't want to lose access to you. Okay. I know that one might have stepped on a few toes, and here's the thing I love y'all, so I'm okay with that. There's nothing wrong with saying, I just want companionship. There's nothing wrong with saying I don't want to be committed right now. Like, there's nothing wrong with that. But what's wrong is allowing somebody to build a future in their mind while you're already knowing, like you're just only enjoying the present. And that's why today's theme matters so much because you have to date with intention, not confusion. If your intention is companionship, say that. If your attention is marriage, say that. If your attention is simply getting to know people while continue healing, say that. Honesty gives people freedom, but confusion keeps people emotionally stuck. I want everybody listening to remember this. The goal isn't to make everybody agree with your dating choices. The goal is to make sure that people who you're dating know exactly what their choices are. That's respect, that's honesty, that's love. Even if the relationship never becomes forever, you are honest. All right, sorry, y'all. That took longer than expected. I know I jumped into my coaching phase for a second. Let's get into let's get into the next letter, but that one, it required us to, you know. Okay, so the next letter. Um, I want everybody listening to put judgment aside. Because remember that love doesn't always come wrapped in a package people expect. So let's talk about it. Our second letter says, What is your take on dating someone who's incarcerated? My family has a lot to say about it, but I mean, I don't care. He is coming home to me. So I already know that some of y'all started answering before I did. Some of y'all said, girl, leave. Some of y'all said love is love. And some of y'all said, it depends, or absolutely not. My answer is it depends. Not because I'm trying to avoid the question, but because every situation is different. See, I don't believe someone should be judged forever because of a mistake they've made. People change, people grow, people heal, people take accountability. I've seen it happen. One of my closest cousins, like a couple of my closest cousins, I've seen them come out and be the best men that you could think of. Friends, I've seen it. But love should never make you stop asking important questions. Like, and sometimes I think that when we're in love, we stop asking questions because we're afraid of the answers. But love should never replace wisdom. Because while your heart is saying, I love him, your mind should be asking, what kind of life are we building together? Those two things can exist at the same time. Now you mentioned that your family has a lot to say, but your family isn't dating him, and that's just the truth. You are. At the end of the day, you have to live your life. Not your mama's life, not your cousin's life, not your dad's life, not your best friend's life, but yours. But just because your family doesn't get to make your decision, that doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to their concerns. Sometimes people who love us see things we're too emotionally close to notice. Now, that doesn't mean they're always right. That doesn't dismiss wisdom. But what it does, it can make you uncomfortable if you don't have those conversations. So ask yourself, are they trying to control me or are they trying to protect me? There's a difference. Because the truth is, nobody knows your man like you do. As far as relationship. You're you and his relationship. Now, if you're seriously considering building a future with someone who's incarcerated, I want you to ask yourself a few questions, not to discourage you, but to prepare you. Has this person accepted responsibilities for their actions? Or are they still, after however many years, blaming somebody else? Or are they being accountable? I mean, if they're wrongfully convicted, I understand that. That's a whole different story. Have they shown growth? Not just talking about it, but have they shown you with their actions? Have they moved differently? What does their plan look like when they come home? Employment, goals? What conversations have y'all had about y'all's futures together? Have you discussed finances, children, marriage, communication, conflict? Or are y'all talking about how much y'all miss each other every time? Because missing somebody and building a life with somebody is two different things. Love alone will not be enough. It takes commitment, it takes honesty, it takes trust, shared vision, accountability, and that is what's gonna build you and your guy a very, very strong foundation. So let me coach you for a moment. Don't fall in love with potential. We fall in love with who we hope somebody will become instead of accepting who they are today. We've talked about this before on the podcast, okay? Potential is beautiful, but potential does not pay the bills. Potential doesn't fix communication, potential doesn't heal trauma. Potential isn't a relationship, but reality is. So don't build your future on promises alone, build it on patterns. Because people can tell you anything, but watch what they consistently do. Somebody asked me today. I'm um, my job, I'm I'm bringing my work into this, but my manager asked me, he said, if you had to choose between two people, would you choose somebody who's consistent or would you choose somebody who shoots for the stars? In my head, I instantly said, I'll choose somebody who shoots for the stars. He said, Well, I would want somebody who's consistent. And then once I sit back and thought about it, and I say, you know what? Because one day you shoot for the stars. But what happened tomorrow? Or what happens next week or a year from now? But if you're consistent, I expect the same person or better every day. Alright? So that's where your answers usually are. Now, let me say this: if this man has genuinely changed, if he's taking a columnbiddle, if he's working to rebuild his life, if he treats you with respect, communicates honestly, and if y'all's relationship is healthy, then I pray the very best for both of you. Because everybody deserves an opportunity to become better. But if you're ignoring warning signs because you're afraid of starting over, or because you're convinced yourself I've already invested too much time, or he's giving me those conversations because he is locked up, or but please don't mistake history for destiny. Just because you've been together a long time or talk on the phone all day, every day, doesn't automatically mean it's healthy. And just because someone says they're coming home to you doesn't mean the work of building a healthy relationship is already done because the real work does not begin until he comes home, and that's the part people don't always talk about. Now let's get into our last letters. Thank you so much, Queen, for writing in. Um, our last letter says, You need to do a dating show or some blind date matchups. It's hard out here, especially since I don't really hang out. First of all, thank you. Y'all are funny. Now, listen, I've actually thought about doing some interactive dating one day. Maybe some live events, maybe a relationship panel, maybe even helping people meet in a fun environment. Who knows what the future holds? I mean, you guys know in August I'm gonna be having guests on my podcast. In August, I'm gonna be doing more live shows where you can see my face. Um, but dating today is different. A lot of people work from home, people aren't going out as much, everybody's online, everybody's busy, and then people wonder, why can't I meet anybody? Well, sometimes the love of your life isn't gonna knock on your front door, or maybe he will, she will, but you've got to leave the house every now and then, go to community events, volunteer, go to church, join a book club, go to networking events, oh, try a cooking class, try a dance class, travel, say yes to invitations, expand your circle. Because if your routine never changes, your opportunities probably won't either. And I am speaking from experience, I have been stuck in the house so long that if I was single, I probably would be like all over the place. But please don't make finding a relationship your whole identity. Build a life you genuinely enjoy because. Confidence is very attractive. Purpose is very attractive. Joy is attractive. And when you're living your life, meeting someone becomes a bonus, not a goal. And who knows? One day you will see love talk live. Okay. Or even Martisse matchmaking event or something like that. Never say never, okay? Um, before we close today's episode, let's take a moment to breathe, reflect, and end with a few affirmations that I hope you'll carry with you long after this episode is over. Alright, so this conversation, I told y'all these letters were gonna make us think a little today. Even though each letter was different, they all pointed us back to one lesson date with intention, not confusion. Sometimes we spend so much time asking ourselves if someone's right for us, then we forget to ask if we're being honest about what we're looking for. For example, today's first letter reminded us that there's nothing wrong with knowing you're not ready for a committed relationship. As long as you're being honest about it. Our second letter reminded us that love and wisdom can exist together. You don't have to stop loving someone to ask hard questions. And you don't have to ignore your heart to use your head. The strongest relationships aren't built on emotions alone. They're built on trust, respect, communication, accountability, and a shared future. Um, our final letter reminded us that if you're looking for love, sometimes you gotta give love a chance to find you. And that might mean stepping outside of your comfort zone, like trying something new, or simply saying yes to opportunities you normally will turn down. You never know when you might have that one conversation at that one event or that one introduction that could lead to something special. All right, before we end today's episode, I'm gonna leave you with one question. If someone asks you today, what are you dating for, could you answer it? Not what sounds good, not what everybody else is expecting, but you your honest answer. Because when you're clear about your intentions, you stop settling, you stop forcing, you stop chasing people who want something completely different than you do, and you begin making decisions that align with your life, you're trying to build. And remember, datingism isn't about collecting people or having a roster, it's about discovering compatibility. So, I want to challenge you. I want you to do something for me. Go grab a journal, open the notes app on your phone, or just sit quietly for a few minutes and answer these questions. What am I truly looking for this season of my life? Am I communicating with intentions clearly to people I date? Am I dating with purpose, or am I dating out of loneliness or boredom or fear of being alone? There are no right or wrong answers, just honest ones. And honesty is where the healing begins. Alright, take a deep breath in and breathe out and repeat these affirmations with me, okay? I deserve relationships built on honesty and respect. I will not settle for confusion when I deserve clarity. I trust myself to make wise decisions. I release the fear of being alone. I welcome relationships that align with my values and my purpose. I choose honesty over false hope. And finally, healthy love begins with a healthy me. Alright, my loves, thank you so much for spending another Wednesday with me. I truly appreciate every single one of you who continue to tune in, share the podcast, leave reviews, and trust me with your stories and letters. If today's episode encouraged you, challenged you, or made you think a little differently, please share it with someone who may need to hear it. And oh, make sure you go visit my website, MartisaLovecoach.com. We got two new card games on there. We got Sip and Spill, which is our party games, it's best play with three or more players, and then we got Slowburn. This is our intimate game, this is our game for the lovers or the daters, or we want to ignite the senses and deepen the connection. That's what slow burn wanna do. Alright, and so I want you to remember if you want to send a letter, you can visit my website. It's a link where you can send letters to the love coach. Again, you can remain anonymous, and then it's also at the top of every single one of my social media pages. Um, I love to have you featured, uh, your letter featured in one of my upcoming episodes. And don't forget to come back this Friday for another episode of Lil Lessons with Martisse. We'll be having another real conversation. We will start having guests in August. I got some guests lined up. Trust me, bear with me. I love y'all. And you can listen to this podcast on all of your streaming platforms, not just the one you're listening on today. And before I let you go, remember today's lesson is to date with intention, not confusion. Know what you're looking for before you ask someone else to join your journey. Now, I love you guys, and until next time, keep choosing healing, keep choosing growth, keep choosing love, and never forget healthy love starts with a healthy you. I'm Artisa Love Coach, and this is another episode of Love Talk with Martisa Love Coach. I love you guys so so much.

SPEAKER_01 28:28

Bye. With the truth, it's the time.