Standards vs. Unrealistic Expectations: Know the Difference

Have your standards become so high that nobody can meet them... or are they protecting your peace?

This week on Love Lessons with Martis The Love Coach, we're talking about the difference between healthy standards and unrealistic expectations in dating and relationships.

We'll explore what standards actually look like, why perfection doesn't exist, and how to identify the qualities that truly matter in a healthy partner.

Because knowing your worth doesn't mean expecting perfection—it means recognizing what you need to build a healthy, lasting relationship.

💜 Real Conversations. Real Healing. Real Love.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:27

Hey, loves, and welcome back to another episode of Love Lessons with Martista Love Coach. This podcast is where we have real conversations, real healing, and real love. I'm so happy you're spending a little part of your day with me. And if you're new here, welcome. And if you've been rocking with me since day one, welcome back. Happy Friday. Yes. Alright, so this is whether you're driving to work, cleaning your house, taking a walk, or just hiding in your room because you need a break from everybody. I'm glad you're here. Because today's conversation is about to make some people laugh. It's gonna make some people think. I mean, I might step on a few toes, but y'all know how I do. I step on toes with love. All right, because today's topic is called standards versus unrealistic expectations. We have to know the difference. Now, before anyone thinks that I'm trying to tell them to settle, nope. Absolutely not. That's not what we're doing today. Matter of fact, I want you to have standards, I want you to know your worth, I want you to expect respect, and I want you to stop accepting less than what you deserve. But I also want us to have these honest conversations because somewhere along the way, people start confusing standards with shopping lists. So before we get into our weekly topic, go grab your coffee, your tea, your mocktail, your cocktail, your shots, whatever we are doing today on this Friday, and let's talk love.

SPEAKER_01 2:03

Love talk gotta journal in your hand do the work from your own page by page. You ain't walking alone from the edges of the O to brand new. Trust in the process, let the love come through. We talking boundaries, we talking great.

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Alright, so can I ask y'all something? Have y'all ever heard somebody say I've been single for 10 years because my standards are high? Now, sometimes that's true, but sometimes it's something else. Sometimes it's not standards, it's expectations. It's expectations that no real human could really ever live up to. Like, for example, people say, I want someone who's emotionally mature. Yes, that is a standard. I want someone who communicates. Now that's a standard. I want someone who's honest, absolutely. That's a standard. But then the list starts getting different. Interesting. Um, they say, I need them to make six figures, I need them to be over six feet. I they can't have kids, they can't have an ex. They have to text me every morning, they have to initiate the conversation, they have to call every night, they can't have female friends, they can't have male friends. I mean, come on. They have to love traveling, they have to love dogs, they have to love cats, they have to love family, they have to know exactly what I'm thinking. Because, baby, at this point, you're not looking for a partner, you're building a custom order. Now, don't get me wrong, preferences are okay. Everybody has them. I have them. Maybe you're attracted to tall people, maybe you like somebody who's ambitious. Maybe faith is super important to you. Maybe family values matter. I mean, those things are okay. But here's what I want us to think a little deeper. Are your standards protecting your peace? Or are they protecting you from being vulnerable? Because let that sit for a second. Sometimes we create impossible expectations. Not because we want perfection, but because perfection feels safe. So if nobody ever measures up to your custom list, nobody ever gets close enough to hurt you. That's real. Sometimes we call it standards when really it's fear. Fear of disappointment, fear of heartbreak, fear of wasting time, fear of trusting the wrong person again. And I understand that 100% because life has a way of teaching us some crazy lessons. Some of us has been lied to, cheated on, abandoned, abused. Some of us gave everything to the wrong person. So what we do is we create a list that says, if you don't meet every single requirement, you don't get access to me, or not the full access. But I want to challenge that. Now I want you to protect your heart, but don't build walls so high that healthy people can't even climb them. Because here's the truth you're you're not perfect. I'm not perfect. The person you're praying for is not perfect. Healthy relationships aren't built by two perfect people, they're built by two people who's willing to grow together. And I think that's the conversation we forgot to have. Because social media tells us, right? If they do one thing wrong, leave. If they disagree with you, red flag. If they don't text back in 30 minutes, block them. Come on. I mean, come on. Real relationships require communication. Real relationships require grace and patience and forgiveness and growth, not perfection. And today we're going to talk about the difference because I don't want you lowering your standards. I want you raising the quality of your standards. Instead of asking how much money do they make, ask how do you handle conflict? Instead of asking, are they six foot three? X, do they keep their word? Instead of asking, how big is her booty? Is she loyal? Is she beautiful inside? Now I one focus on appearances that I think get misunderstood. If you don't think someone is attractive, don't date them. I I listen, everybody is not gonna be your cup of tequila. I have to say tequila because that's you know, but truthfully though, everybody's not gonna be your cup of tea. And that's okay. You can focus on appearance, you can focus on character, because the important thing about character is it will outlast chemistry every single time. So you fell in love with someone because of the way they look, like she's beautiful, her body's perfect, her face is beautiful, she's flawless. But what about her character? What about the chemistry? Now, before we jump into today's lessons, let's take a moment for some gems. So our first gem is says standards protect your peace, but unrealistic expectations, it protects you from fear. Think about it. Sometimes we're not protecting our peace, we're protecting ourselves from ever having to be vulnerable again. Our second love gem is that character will always outlast chemistry. Looks might catch your attention, but character is what keeps a relationship together. Okay, because that chemistry will never compare to the character that you're building with. Alright, our last love gem is don't look for someone who checks every box, look for someone who's willing to grow with you. Alright, besties, it's time to play a little game. I wanna ask. I wanna well, I want y'all to answer before I do. Let's do that. So this is gonna be called standard or expectation. Now, don't cheat because I'm gonna pause after every question. And then I want you to answer out loud whether you think it's a standard or expectation. So let's see how you do. So for the first one, let's say um I want someone who respects me. Is that a standard or expectation? If you say standard, you're absolutely right. Because respect should never be optional. If someone doesn't respect you, you don't need to negotiate that. I mean, that is foundational. So, yes, standard that we should all have. Alright, so the second one should they would say like um they have to answer every text message within five minutes. If you say standard, please, let's do some reevaluation. That is definitely an expectation because baby, people have jobs, meetings, families, they sleep, they shower, they drive. If somebody consistently ignores you for days, that's a different conversation. But five minutes, ten minutes, twenty minutes, come on now. Breathe, girl, breathe, guy. Like, come on. All right. How about they have to communicate honesty? Honestly, is that a standard or expectation? If you say standard, you're absolutely correct. Communication is one of the foundations of every healthy relationship. Must have. Alright, they have to make six figures. Is that a standard or expectations? If you said expectation, you are 100% right. Now, there's nothing wrong with wanting someone who's financially responsible. Hear me out. Financially responsibility, that's different. But attaching someone's worth to one income number, that deserves a conversation. Because let me ask you this: would you rather have someone making $200,000 a year who lies, cheats, and disrespects you? Or would you rather have someone making $75,000, you know, or someone in that ballpark who's honest, loyal, know how to manage their money, hardworking, and treats you like gold? I mean, money pays bills, but characters homes. Let's be clear. Write that down. Money pays bills, but character builds homes. Somebody gonna need to repeat that. Alright, so how about they have to be emotionally available? Is that an expectation or standard? If you say standard, you're absolutely right. Because life is too short to spend it, begging someone to open up. I shouldn't be with you, and a year later I'm still trying to understand you. So that is the standard we all should have. Um, they can't have any baggage. That's definitely an expectation. If they made it to adulthood, if we made it to adulthood, we've got a store. They've experienced heartbreak, loss, disappointment, maybe a divorce, childhood trauma. The question isn't do they have baggage? The question is have they unpacked it? All right, that's the question. Because there's a difference between carrying baggage and expecting someone else to carry it for you. Alright, let's do our last one. Um, let's see. They have to be faithful. Is that a standard or expectation? That is definitely a standard. And if I have to explain that, come on, that's a whole different comment. No explanation needed there. So, can I tell y'all what I've noticed from coaching people or even from having conversations with people? Sometimes people tell me, Marty, Martise, there are no good men, there are no good women. And then we start talking and I ask, so tell me, what are you looking for? And baby, the list just keeps going. He has to, she has to, they better, they can't, they must. By the end, I'm thinking, I'm not sure anybody qualifies, girl. I'm not sure anybody qualifies, my guy. But I have to challenge you today. I want you to ask yourself, is this list based on values or vanity? Because values build relationships, but see, vanity is gonna build you this beautiful fantasy. One lasts, the other one fades. Now let's be clear: there's nothing wrong with having prefaces. We all have them, but prefaces should not become barriers that keep healthy people from getting to know you. Because sometimes the person God sends into your life may not arrive in a package you expected. I mean, I am a living witness. They might not drive your dream car or they may not have your dream career, they may not check every single preference, but they may check every box that actually matters. They respect you, they communicate, they keep their word, they're emotionally safe, they're kind, they're willing to grow. Those are qualities that sustain love long after butterflies settled down. And here's another question I want you to think about. What if the person you're praying for has standards too? Have you ever thought about it? I mean, maybe they're praying for someone who's patient, someone who's emotionally mature, someone who apologizes, someone who's healed enough to not punish them for what someone else did. Could you really meet their standards? Like right now. Because this isn't just about finding the right person, it's about becoming the right person too. Alright, y'all know I had to start a pot a little bit. Those are the little toes I told y'all we're gonna step on, but lovingly. Now, I want are y'all still with me first of all? Let me make sure. Because I know we're talking about a lot, but let's be clear. This stuff is real and it's important. We've been talking about standards, expectations, and what we're looking for in somebody else. But can I ask y'all a question? When was the last time you turned that list around? Like you put your name at the top. Like, seriously, we spend so much time asking, what am I looking for? that we really stop and ask, what am I bringing? And I think that's one of the healthiest questions you can ask yourself. Because here's the truth every single one of us wants somebody who's emotionally mature. We want somebody who's patient, loyal, kind, someone who knows how to apologize, somebody who's healed. But are we becoming those things too? Because healthy relationships aren't one-sided. They're two people showing up ready to grow together. Sometimes we're praying for a healthy relationship while ignoring the unhealthy habits that we still have. I know that might have hit, but I mean, maybe we're asking for someone who communicates, but every time conflict comes, we shut down. Maybe we're asking for honesty, but we're not always honest about our own feelings. Maybe we're asking for patience, but we lose our temper over little things. I mean, maybe we're asking for consistency, but we're inconsistent ourselves. Now, before anybody gets offended, I'm talking to myself too. Because growth doesn't stop once you become a love coach or a relationship coach or a life coach. Growth doesn't stop once you're married. Growth doesn't stop because you've been a therapy. Growth is lifelong. We're all learning, we're all healing, we're all becoming. And I think sometimes we put so much pressure on finding the one. And I did the little um finger things because y'all can't see me. But we put so much pressure on finding the one that we forget to become someone who can help build the one. Because let me tell y'all something. A healthy relationship isn't built by one healthy person, it's built when both people are willing to grow. I have to be transparent for a moment. Um, life has taught me that healing changes you when you're younger. Sometimes you think love is all about butterflies, chemistry, excitement, attention. But the older I got, the more I appreciated peace. I appreciate consistency. I appreciate people whose words match their actions, I appreciate emotional safety. Because let me tell you, butterflies are beautiful, but butterflies don't pay the bills, butterflies don't fix communication, butterflies don't teach accountability, butterflies darn don't build trust. I mean, come on. Those things are built over time. I've learned that healthy love feels different. Healthy love feels so much better than chaotic love. Healthy love doesn't leave you questioning where you stand every day. Healthy love doesn't keep you anxious or make you beg for consistency. Healthy love gives you that peace. And I think sometimes people mistake peace for boring because they're so used to chaos. If somebody isn't arguing or playing games or making them chase, they think this relationship has no spark. But maybe for the first time in your life, you're experiencing stability, and for you, it may feel unfamiliar. Don't run from peace just because you're used to the chaos. Alright, so there's this exercise I want to do before we um finish today's episode, and it's called the mirror exercise. It's something that I implement into some of the coaching sessions I do. So I want you to get a piece of paper and on one side, write down everything you're looking for in a partner. Now, this is your journey, this is your paper. So be honest. Write it all down. Don't hold back, don't lie to yourself. Write down everything you're looking for in a partner, and then on the other side of the paper, ask yourself Am I becoming the kind of person that will attract someone like this? Not because you have to earn love, you don't, but because healthy people usually recognize healthy people. So ask yourself, am I communicating well? Am I emotionally available? Am I accountable? Am I still healing? Am I growing? Am I kind? Am I financially responsible? Am I honest? Because if we're asking someone else to bring those qualities, we have or we should be striving to bring them to. And here's something I want you to remember: don't build a list that's so perfect that even a healthy person couldn't meet it. Because perfection is not the goal here. Character is, growth is, consistency is because that's where love lives. All right, if you don't remember anything else from today's episode, remember this standards should protect your peace. They should never become walls that keep healthy people out. Know your worth, respect yourself, and don't settle. But also leave room for grace, leave room for growth, leave room for real people. Because healthy relationships are not built by perfect people, they're built by two imperfect people who just chose each other every single time. Communicate, take accountability, and continue to grow together. And to me, that is the kind of love that is worth waiting for. Alright, before we wrap up today's episode, let's take a deep breath together and let's end this thing like we always do with a few affirmations to remind us who we are and what we deserve. Alright, so let's take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. Now, whoever you are, wherever you are listening, I want you to repeat these affirmations with me after me. And even if you don't fully believe them yet, speak life over yourself anyway. Because your words have power. I know my worth. My standards are rooted in self respect, not fear. I deserve honest. I deserve consistency. I release unrealistic expectations. I choose growth over perfection. I am becoming the person I'm praying for. I will not let past her dictate my future. I will leave room for grace. I am worthy of healthy, lasting love. Healthy love starts with a healthy me. Alright, my loves, take one more deep breath. Smile if you can, and remind yourself, I don't need perfection. I need peace. Alright, that's that brings us to the end of another episode of Love Lessons with Martisse. It's a beautiful day. Enjoy your weekend. I hope today's conversation gave you something to think about. If today's challenge is you good. Growth often begins when we start we're willing to look inward before we point outward. Remember, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having standards. But I mean, don't lower them at all. Know your word, protect your peace. But also remember, healthy relationships aren't built by perfect people, they're built by people who are willing to communicate, apologize, forgive, learn, and keep choosing each other. As you continue dating, or even if you're already in a relationship, I want you to ask yourself one question this weekend. Am I looking for perfection or am I looking for a character? Because a character would carry relationships much further than perfection could ever. And one more thing, one more question I want to leave y'all. If the person you're praying for walked into your life today, would they recognize you as someone who's ready for the kind of love you're asking for? Alright. Alright, so if today's episode encouraged you, challenge you or made you laugh a little, I love for you to share it with someone who needs to hear it. Give me feedback, share it on social media, I post clips. Be sure to follow this podcast so you never miss a Wednesday letters to the love coach. You never miss a Friday love lessons episode. Continue to send me those letters, please. And don't forget, um, you might have a story that might help someone else heal. Thank you so much for continuing to grow with me in this beautiful community. I don't take your support for granted. Every listen, every share, every review, every letter, it means more to me than you'll ever know. And as we close, I want to leave you with this keep choosing healing, keep choosing growth, keep choosing love, and never forget healthy love starts with a healthy you. I'm Artista Love Coach, and thank you so much for another episode. Until next time, take care of your heart, take care of your mind, and never stop becoming the person you created. Bye, my loves, and have a great weekend.