When You Feel Like You've Lost Yourself

Letters to the Love Coach – Episode 7 

Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered, "When did I lose myself?" 

This week, we're talking about what happens when life starts to feel routine, when relationships lose their excitement, and when you're struggling to find joy in your own journey. I'll answer heartfelt listener letters about feeling bored in a long-term relationship, feeling stuck without access to therapy, and I'll also take a moment to thank this incredible community for the love and encouragement you've shown me. 

Plus, I'm excited to announce the launch of my two brand-new conversation card games, Sip or Spill and Slow Burn, available this Friday! 

If you've been feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, or like life isn't moving as fast as everyone else's, this episode is your reminder that you are not behind, you are becoming. 

💜 Real Conversations. Real Healing. Real Love. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:27

Hey loves and welcome to another episode of Love Talk with Martisa Love Coach, Letter to the Love Coach. I am so excited that you're here with me today. It is Wednesday. We're halfway through the week. This podcast is a safe space for real conversations. Um, conversations about love, healing, relationships, self-worth, life challenges, and everything in between. Every week I'll be answering listening letters, sharing self-healing gems, offering encouragement, and helping you build a healthier relationship. Um, starting with the relationship you have with yourself. So whether you're navigating marriage, dating, friendships, parenting, grief, personal growth, or simply trying to figure out life one day at a time, know that you're always welcome here. So grab your coffee, your tea, your favorite drink, get comfortable, and let's talk love.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Love talk. Got a journal in your hand, do the work from your own, page by page. You ain't walking alone from the ashes of the whole sea of brand new.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

Alright, my love. So, have y'all ever looked in the mirror and thought, what happened to me? Not because you don't recognize your face, but because you don't recognize the person you've become. Maybe life happened, maybe bills happened, marriage happened, maybe children happened, work happened, heartbreak happened, maybe disappointment happened, maybe you spent so much time taking care of everybody else. That somewhere along the way you stop taking care of yourself, and one day you wake up and you realize I'm surviving, but I don't really feel like I'm living. I think more people feel this way than they're willing to admit. Because from the outside, everything does look okay. I mean, you're going to work, you're paying your bills, you're smiling in public, you're posting pictures, you're showing up, but internally, you're exhausted, you're disconnected, you're wondering when did life become so routine? The truth is, I don't think most people lose themselves overnight. I think it happens little by little. So it can be one compromise at a time, one disappointment at a time, one responsibility at a time. You tell yourself, I'll get back to me next month, I'll start walking next week, I'll take a vacation next year, I'm gonna start focusing more on me. I'll go back to doing what I love when life slows down. But reality is life never really slows down, does it? There's always another bill, there's always another responsibility, another problem to solve, another person who needs something from you, and before you know it, you become everything for everybody else, but nothing for yourself. I know somebody feels this. So here's something I've learned over the years. Sometimes we think we're bored with our relationships, when we're actually disconnected from ourselves. Sometimes we think we need a new job, when we really need a new perspective. Sometimes we think we need a completely different life. But what we really need is to reconnect with the person we used to be. Think about when you were younger. What made you laugh? Like, what brought you the most joy? What excited you? When was the last time you did something simply because you wanted to do it and you were happy? Not your children, not your spouse, not your boss, not your friends, but you. Some of y'all can't even answer that question, honestly. And that's okay. Because today isn't about feeling guilty, it's about becoming aware. Awareness is where healing begins. One thing I want everybody listening to remember your happiness is your responsibility. Now hear me carefully. I'm not saying people don't impact our lives because they do. I mean, they do. But because healthy relationships bring joy, healthy friendships bring joy, family bring joy, but no one person can carry the responsibility of making you happy. Not every single day. That's too much pressure to put on any other human being at all. Like, that's pressure you should not put on a human. So if you're waiting on your spouse to make life so exciting, if you're waiting for your job to make you happy, if you're waiting on social media likes to make you feel valuable, you're giving away something that belongs to you, which is your joy. Social media has made things so much harder for everyone. We scroll every day, somebody's getting married, somebody's buying a new house, somebody's taking a vacation, somebody's announcing a pregnancy, somebody's getting promoted, and before long, you start comparing your life behind the scenes. Like everybody's life become your highlight reel. You start asking yourself, what am I doing wrong? Why isn't my life moving that fast? Why does everybody seem so happy? Stop comparing yourself, your chapter three to somebody's chapter 20. I don't know if you understand that, but let me say it again. Stop comparing your chapter 3 to somebody else's chapter 20. Because you don't know how many things they had to overcome to get there. You don't know what they're dealing with behind closed doors, you don't know what they cried about before they smiled for that picture. Comparation is one of the biggest thieves. It's still your gratitude, it's still your confidence, it's still your peace. Instead of asking, why not me? Try asking, what can I do to become a better version of myself? Because healing doesn't always happen through giant leaps. Sometimes healing looks like taking a walk. Sometimes healing looks like putting your phone down. Sometimes healing looks like laughing with your family. Sometimes healing looks like journaling, praying. It's just simply admitting that I'm not okay. But I'm gonna be. And I promise you that one small step today can become a completely different life a year from now. Today's letters remind me that whether you're feeling bored in your relationship, feeling stuck in life, or simply needing encouragement, the common thread is this. Sometimes we don't need to start over, we just need to reconnect with ourselves. Because when you can reconnect with yourself, you become a better partner, a better friend, a better parent, a better employee, a better leader, and a healthier version of you. That is the overall goal. And that's what today's episode is really about. It's not perfection, it's not pretending everything's okay, but it's rediscovering the person God created you to be. The person you're supposed to be before life convinced you that you had to be carrying all of this weight, all of the weight of the world on your shoulders. So before we jump into today's letters, let's take a moment for these weekly gems. Um, sometimes the life you're praying for starts with becoming the person you've been neglecting. Take care of yourself too. A relationship should add to your happiness, not become the only place you expect to find it. Routine isn't the enemy, but neglect is. Comparison will convince you that everyone else is winning, but gratitude reminds you how far you've already come. And our final gem is you don't always need a new life. Sometimes you just need a fresh perspective. Alright, let's get into our letters. So these letters that I chose this week, um, they're pretty short. I chose these for a reason because they all connected. Um, so this letter says, Hey Martisse, I've been dating my boyfriend for about three years. We live together and we had more good days than bad. But I think I'm getting bored. Well, first, thank you so much for writing me. And secondly, I appreciate your honesty. Because do you know how many people actually feel exactly how you feel right now? But see, these people are afraid to admit it. They think saying, I'm getting bored automatically means I don't love my partner anymore. But those are two completely different things. Now, before anybody starts breaking up because their partner says they're getting bored, let's talk about it. One thing I've noticed immediately in your letter is something you said, we have more good days than bad. Did y'all catch that? She didn't say they're constantly arguing, she didn't say he's disrespectful, she didn't say he's cheating, she didn't say the relationship is toxic. She simply said, I'm getting bored. And honestly, those are two different conversations. Sometimes boredom isn't a relationship problem, sometimes it's a routine problem. I mean, after three years, life starts life in bills, work, laundry, grocery, cooking, cleaning, responsibilities. Next thing you know, date night is turned into did you pay the light bill? And instead of talking for hours, you're talking about what's for dinner. Instead of flirting, you're reminding each other to pick up toilet paper from the grocery store or the or the store. And before you know it, the excitement starts fading. Not because the love disappeared, but because life got so busy. But see, the thing is, love requires maintenance. It's just like a car. If you had your car for a very long time and you've never gotten the oil change, never rotated the tires, never maintained it, eventually something starts breaking down. Relationships are no different. Sometimes people tell me we just don't have that spark anymore. And I ask, when was the last time y'all went on a date? And then in silence. When was the last time y'all left together? And in silence. When was the last time you surprised each other? Silence. When was the last time you put your phones down and actually talked more silence? Biggest silence, the longest silence. Sometimes we're waiting on the spark while forgetting we have to help create it. Now, I want to challenge you with something, my sister. Before you decide you're bored with your relationship, ask yourself, when was the last time you brought excitement into it? I know you wrote me for my advice, and I'm giving it to you. Because it's easy to say they don't do this anymore, they don't plan dates anymore, they don't compliment anymore, they don't flirt with me anymore. But here's the question do you? Healthy relate relationships require both people to continue choosing each other every day, not just one, not just in like the first year. Every day in year three, year ten, year twenty, year forty. Love does not stop growing. People stop watering it. Think about I'm not sure if you if you're a garden person or if you like to plant. Think about a plant that you planted, and it's just a little small pot, and you went a week without watering. What's gonna happen to that plant? The leaves are gonna start drying up, it's gonna get all droopy, but the moment you put water in that pot, do you see how those leaves spruce back up? So love doesn't stop growing, people just stop watering it. Now let me say something else. Sometimes we're asking our partners to make life more exciting when we've stopped making our own life exciting. Hear me out. Hear me out. If work is all you do, if home is all you do, if you stop pursuing your hobbies, stop spending time with your friends, stop laughing, stop trying new things, then of course life is going to feel repetitive. Your partner cannot carry the responsibility of creating all of your happiness. That's too much pressure for one person. Healthy people bring life into relationships. Not just expect relationships to create life for them. Now, I'm saying, I'm not saying ignore how you feel because your feelings are valid, your feelings matter, but don't confuse comfort with failure. One of the most beautiful things about long-term relationships is comfort. You know each other, y'all trust each other, y'all feel safe, the butterflies settle down, and something deeper takes place. That's where peace comes in. Now, don't get me wrong, I still believe couples should flirt a hundred percent. I think couples should laugh, they should date, travel when they can, try new restaurants, play games together, take walks, hell, dance in the kitchen, do all of those things because those moments matter. You're gonna remember that moment you were in the kitchen cooking and you're playing your music, and he just come grab your hand and y'all start dancing, or switch the roles. He's cooking, you go grab his hand. Let's dance. But don't mistake the absence of constant excitement for the absence of love. Sometimes mature love looks quieter, and that's okay. But here's your homework for me this week. Don't wait on him. Plan something, surprise him, write him a note, suggest something that you've never done before. I mean, it don't have to be anything super big. I mean, you could cook together, take a drive with no destination, leave the phones down for a little while. Remember why y'all chose each other. Because sometimes the relationship doesn't need replacing, it just needs reconnecting. And one last thing before I move on, if after trying, after communicating, after putting effort back into the relationship, and you still feel disconnected, it's time to talk about it. Because don't let that boredom turns into resentment because nobody was willing to have that conversation. Because relationships don't fail overnight, most of the time, it's been happening over a long period of time, and they slowly drift apart like through neglect, and neglect can be prevented. Y'all know I had to coach a little on that one because I too at one point felt this way, and so I get it, and I had to do some self-reflecting on me because it wasn't my partner. Alright, thank you so much for writing in. Let's move on to the next letter because this one didn't hit me, so I'm moving on to the next letter. Thank you again for writing in. So our next letter says, Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself. Everyone says go talk to a therapist, but I cannot afford to do that right now. I feel stuck and like things are not moving as fast as other people. I just do not feel happy. First of all, thank you for trusting me with this. And before I answer your letter, I want to tell you something. You are not alone. I think there are so many people listening right now who are saying, that's exactly how I feel. Or if you don't feel it now, you felt it. Life has a way of making us feel like we're falling behind. You scroll social media. Like I said earlier, somebody's buying a house, somebody just got engaged, pregnancy, promotion, vacations. And then you ask yourself, what am I doing wrong? Absolutely nothing. You're living your life, not theirs. Okay? One of the biggest lies social media has ever told us is that everybody is doing better than we are. Lies. Remember, people post the highlight real. They don't post the anxiety, they don't post the tears, they don't post the sleepless nights, they don't post the moments, they question themselves. You're comparing your real life to someone else's edited version, and that's never a fair comparison comparison. Now, I also want to address something you said. You said everybody tells you that you need to go to therapy. And I want to say this carefully. I absolutely a hundred percent believe therapy is incredible. It's an incredible tool. I've encouraged people to seek professional help so many times because I'm not a therapist, I'm a relationship love and life coach. If you have access to it, if you have the finances, please don't be afraid to use it. But I also understand something. Not everyone can afford therapy. And that doesn't mean your healing has to stop. There are things you can begin doing today. You can start journaling, you can write down your thoughts, take a walk, pray, read, listen to encouraging podcasts, spend time with people who pour into you, not take from your glass, but pour into it. Limit the amount of time you spend comparing yourself to everybody else online. Sometimes healing starts with one healthy habit. Not 10, but just one. Because small steps eventually become big changes. And can I also tell you something else? Stop putting a deadline on your life. Stop saying, I should have been married by now. I should have bought, I should have bought a house by now, I should have been had children by now, I should have figured life out by now. But whose timeline are you using? Because it sounds like you're measuring your life by someone else's calendar. How is that fair for you? God doesn't bless everybody at the same time, and that doesn't mean he's forgotten about you. Sometimes he's preparing you, sometimes he's protecting you, sometimes he's growing you. Don't mistake that delay for a denial. And then the last thing you said was, I don't feel happy. So I want to challenge you, love. Don't choose happiness, build peace. And as you build that peace, happiness is gonna come. But also remember, happiness comes and goes, but peace will stay with you forever. Some days you're gonna laugh, some days you're gonna cry, some days you're gonna feel motivated, some days you won't. And that's life. But peace. Peace reminds you that even when life isn't perfect, you're gonna be okay. And I believe you're gonna be okay. Maybe not overnight, maybe not next week, but don't quit on yourself. I want you if you're listening right now, um, the lady who wrote this letter, I want you to email me. I got a couple things I want to send to you. My email is CEO at Martisthelovecoach.com. All right, now our last letter made me smile. So I had to save it for last. It just simply said, I just want to say thank you. You have helped me more than you think. I would like to stay anonymous, Marty. We know each other very well. But girl, you killing it, and I appreciate you more than you know. Listen, I love you, whoever you are. I love you so much. Um, this one almost made me emotional because sometimes I do feel like am I hitting or getting to anyone? When you're creating something, you don't always know if it's making a difference. I mean, I do these episodes, I post, I I pray, I hope people listen, I hope someone feels encouraged, but you never really know whose life you're touching.

unknown 21:59

So

SPEAKER_00 22:00

To whoever sent this letter, thank you. Thank you for taking that time to encourage me because I need it. You probably didn't even realize it. Sometimes people think because someone is always smiling or posting or building a business that everything is easy, but oh, it's not. There are days when I question myself, and there are days when I am just tired. There are days when I wonder if I'm doing anything to make a difference. And then I receive a message like this. I love you. Thank you. That letter reminds me exactly of where I started. I didn't start this podcast to become famous. I didn't start it to go viral. I didn't start it to, you know, make money. I started it because I genuinely love helping people. And if one conversation helps someone heal, that is enough for me. If one episode gives somebody hope, if one letter reminds someone that they're not alone, then I'm doing exactly what God called me to do. So from the bottom of my heart, to everyone's listening, to everyone who shared the podcast, to everyone who sent a letter, to everyone who supported me, thank you. We're building something so special together. And I couldn't do it without y'all. Speaking of excited things, I've been wanting to tell y'all that this Friday, my two card games will officially be available on my website. And yes, yes, this has been a labor of love. I spent months creating these games, I did it all by myself. Um, I designed it, I came up with the questions, I did every single thing by myself. It was no chat GPT, it was no, it was no nothing. I use Canva and I created the design. I did it all by myself, and I'm so excited. Um, so the first game is called Sit and Spill. Now let me tell y'all about this game. It's gotta be so fun. It's perfect for girls' night, girls and boys' night, couples night, game night, birthdays, or just hanging with your friends. So Sip and Spill is full of thought-provoking questions, fun challenges, laughs, conversations that help people get to know each other on a deeper level, basically. Some of these questions, y'all better be ready. And then for my couples, I created a card game called Slow Burn. It isn't just another card game, it's an experience. We're digging into the five senses. It's assigned to help couples slow down, reconnect, and intentionally spend time together. It's all through activities inspired by the five senses. Because intimacy doesn't begin in the bedroom, it begins with connections, conversations, laughter, intention. That's what slow burn is all about. So if you've been looking for a fun date night idea or a way to connect with your partner, I cannot wait for y'all to experience slow burn and then give me some good feedback. Both games will officially be available on my website Friday, and I'm excited to finally share that with y'all. I'm so excited. Alright, so anyway, let's get into some affirmations. I'm almost at my time as always. Alright, let's take a deep breath together. Alright, breathe in and slowly breathe out. I want you to breathe in and let go. Now I want you to repeat these affirmations with me. Even if you don't fully believe them today, keep speaking them until your heart catches up with every single word. I am not behind. My journey is unfolding exactly as it should. I choose to stop comparing my life to others. I am rediscovering the best version of myself. I deserve peace. I will continue to grow through every season of my life. I choose progress over perfection. I am stronger than I realize. I will not let temporary feelings define my future. My story is still being written. I am worthy of becoming everything God created me to be. Alright, smiling if you can and remind yourself I haven't lost myself. I'm simply finding a stronger version of me. Alright, my loves, that brings us to the end of another episode of Letters to the Love Coach. And I want to say thank you. Thank you for spending your time with me. Thank you for trusting me with your stories and letters. Thank you for allowing me to be a small part of your healing journal journey. Now, every single letter reminds me that none of us are walking through this life alone. We all have questions, we all have moments where we feel stuck, we all have seasons where we lose our weight. But I hope today's episode reminding you that you are okay to slow down, babe. It's okay to reconnect with yourself. And it's okay to ask yourself for help when you need it internally. Remember, healing isn't about becoming someone else, it's about becoming who you're meant to be. Alright, so this Friday is gonna be a big day. My two conversation card games will be officially available. Tip and spill, slow burn. I cannot wait for y'all to experience them. Please take a moment to follow my podcast, leave a review, share it with someone you love. And as always, if you have a letter, a relationship questions, or simply need advice, I love to hear from you. You need to send me if I mean you can be anonymous or you can put your letter, your name on your letter. It's up to you. It's on my website, on every single social media bio. Instagram is loving with Martisse. Facebook and TikTok is Martista Love Coach website MartisaLovecoach.com. Alright, I love you guys, and until next time, keep choosing yourself, keep healing, keep growing, keep communicating. And remember, you deserve the relationship that brings you peace, not just your presence. This is Martisa Love Coach, and I will talk to you guys on Friday. I love you so much. Bye.