Child Support vs. Parenting: They're Not the Same Thing

Love Lessons with Martis – Episode [Insert Episode Number] 

Child support is important, but parenting is so much more than a monthly payment. 

In this episode, we're having an honest conversation about the difference between financial responsibility and emotional responsibility. We'll talk about why children need more than money, why showing up matters, the importance of healthy co-parenting, and why children should never become caught in the middle of adult conflicts. 

Whether you're paying child support, receiving it, co-parenting, or simply someone who cares about raising emotionally healthy children, this episode offers a balanced conversation centered on one thing: 

What's best for the child. 

Because at the end of the day... 

A court can order child support. It can't order love, presence, patience, or relationship. 

💜 Real Conversations. Real Healing. Real Love. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:12

Hey my loves and welcome back to another episode of Love Lessons with Martista Love Coach. Happy Friday. We we love our weekends. If you're joining me for the first time, welcome. And if you've been listening every Wednesday and every Friday, thank you so much for continuing to support this podcast. It really does mean a lot to me. Um, so today we are going to be talking about something that can get some people fired up. Um, we're gonna be talking about child support. Now, before anybody starts typing paragraphs or get defensive and starts sending me crazy emails, take a deep breath. Okay, because this episode is not about attacking mothers, it's not about attacking fathers, it's about being real, and it's not about saying one parent is always right and the other is always wrong. This episode is about the children, it's about our babies. Because somewhere along the way, we started confusing child support with parenting, and it's not the same. So, today let's have a real conversation. I'm gonna tell my personal story, well, a little bit of it. Um, I have credibility to speak on this because I've often shared publicly that I co-parent. I'm not preaching, I've lived through the complexities. So let's talk about it. Go grab your drink, your mocktail, get comfortable, and let's talk.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

Love talk. Got a journal in your hand, do the work from your own, page by page, you ain't walking alone from the ashes of the old see the brand do you do? Trust in the process, let a love come through. We talking boundaries, we talking great straight, we're talking falling for the right one in the right space, real fast.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

Alright, my love. So, can I ask y'all something? When someone says I pay child support, what do you really hear? I mean, for some people, that's where conversations end. It's like I pay my child support every month. I do what the court told me to do. I'm good. But let me ask you a question. Is parenting something you do once a month or twice a month or every day? See, child support is a legal responsibility, but parenting is a relationship. Those are two totally completely different things. So a court can order someone to pay money, a judge they cannot order someone to build that trust with their children. A judge cannot order bedtime stories, a judge cannot order hugs and those kisses and those simple I love you's. A judge cannot order showing up for football games, soccer games, cheer practices, and cheer games and competitions. A judge cannot order emotional support. Those things come from your heart. Now, let me also say something to the parents receiving child support because I am one. And don't click off either. This conversation is for you too. Because sometimes we expect one parent to carry all the emotional labor while expanding the other parent to carry all the financial responsibility. Healthy co-parenting asks a whole lot of different questions. What does your child need? Um, what does our child need emotionally, physically, mentally? So let me get into my personal story before I go into my spill. Um, so I've been divorced since 2017. Um initially, whenever we separated, I told my children dad, I was like, hey, I'm not trying to take everything you work for. So let's agree that you'll give me 200 every two weeks. I mean, this is $200 for two children every two weeks. So that's $400 a month. We agreed to it. He did it for I think two months. And then he stopped. And so when I I remember, I remember this text. I text him and I said, Hey, why are you stopping? You know, like, why have you stopped paying your child support? Like the 200 we agreed on. Now, this was not through the courts because I did not want to do that. This was our conversation we had with each other, and he said, I stopped helping you, I stopped giving you the 200 because you were telling people I was not helping you. Truthfully, it's laughable now, but at the moment I was so furious because I'm like, wait, you stopped helping me, you stopped giving me $200 every two weeks because I you think I told people you were not helping me, which was insanity at the time because I I never actually told anyone that it's like the the world was so involved in our relationship, it was so public. Um, not just because of him, but because of me. I made a lot of public posts on Facebook back then. I'm not proud of the things that I've done. Um, but one thing I I I know I've never said is that he did not help back then, you know. So of course I had to get a lawyer. We had the whole spill, we went to court, and it ended up being, you know, more. This was back in 2017. Our kids are way bigger now, um, older, years later, so much more um expensive now. But the moral of the story is sometimes you can co-parent with someone who's reasonable and logical. Sometimes you can have agreements where both parents are trying to make the best of the situation, not just for each other, but for the children. And then sometimes you just have a parent or uh someone you're co-parenting with, and I'm just about to be honest, who's full of shit. And that was my case, and I and I'm just being honest. Now, was I a perfect wife? Absolutely not. Was he a perfect husband? Hell no. Was infidelity involved? Of course. But what I can say is that never ever stopped me from allowing him to see his kids, it never ever stopped me from being understanding, it never ever changed how I let him adore those kids. Because one thing I won't take from him is he loves his kids. But a recent text he sent to me was I pay child support. So that is one of the reasons I wanted to dig into this topic today. So let's talk about children. To be honest, children remember way more than we think, especially as they get older. They start remembering things that happened when they were seven, six. Children grow up. So one day that little seven-year-old becomes 17, that teenager becomes 27, and then they start remembering not just who paid what or who paid child support, but they remember who showed up. They remember who called, who checked on them after a bad day, who came to the school to see them in a performance or a school play, who celebrated their birthdays. They remember who made them feel important. Money, it does help meet the needs sometimes, but presence, it helps build confidence. So those are both valuable things, but they're not interchangeable. Understand that. Think about the word itself: support. Support isn't just financial, support is asking, how was your day? Support is showing up at a graduation, support is helping with homework, support is teaching your child how to drive, helping them through a heartbreak. Support is teaching them what healthy love looks like. Support is being available, that's a major one. Now, I know life isn't perfect. Um, some parents live in different states, some parents have crazy work schedules, um, some have very complicated custody schedules. I do understand that. This is not about being perfect, it's about being intentional. So even if you can't be there every day, can you call? Can you FaceTime? Can you send a simple text that takes you 0.2 seconds that say, I love you, I'm proud of you. How was school today? Because those moments matter. Now, let me say something that might make a few people uncomfortable. Please, please, please do not and stop using your children as weapons. I know breakups hurt, divorces hurt, infidelity hurts, broken trust hurts. And the reality is people disappoint us. That's life. People leave, people make mistakes. I'm not minimizing any of that. But your child should never become the punishment for what happened between two adults. So, again, back into my personal story. When we went to court, it was settled that, of course, I'm a custodial parent. He gets to marry all the weekend. Now, if there's ever been a moment where he called and said, Hey, I want to get the kids today for a little while, or I want to take the kids and do a couple things. I don't remember one time I've said no. It's just that he's never text. So our families play a big part in how things go. Um, things are much better now with uh our families, but it has been a battle. Because one thing, he was telling his family one thing, but I was always transparent. I've never been one to lie about when I have been wronged or when I have been wronged. One thing I I am always good at is being accountable, but one thing I've never done was kept that man away from his kids. Are you? Are you being accountable? So if the other parent is safe, if they're loving, if they're trying to build a relationship with their child, please don't stand in that way because you're still angry about something she or he may have done. Because the reality is you're not just hurting your ex, you're hurting your child or your children. So I've heard parents say, well, they hurt me, so they don't deserve to see my kids, or I don't want my kids around that man, or I don't want my kids around that woman that they're dating. I have to challenge that. Because unless there's some type of abuse or neglect or like a real legitimate safety concern, that isn't about what they deserve. It's about what your child deserves because I feel like that's something you're taking personal. You still have not accepted the fact that this woman moved on or this man moved on. Your child deserves the opportunity to have a healthy relationship with both parents whenever that is possible. Now, I do understand there are situations where potatoing a child absolutely comes first when it comes to like the spouse they're dating. If something doesn't feel right, trust your gut. But be honest and open about it. Talk to the other parent if that's an option. Okay, if there's abuse, if there's violence, if there's addiction, all of that does put a child at risk. So that is understandable. If there's anything that makes the environment unsafe for your child, or you just feel like, you know, it's just not right, I understand that. But talk about it. If there's if the only reason you're keeping the child away from their other parent is because you're angry, or because the relationship ended badly, or because they moved on, because you're trying to teach them a lesson. I want you to ask yourself a question. Who is really paying the price? Because see, children don't always understand adult conflict, and they shouldn't have to. They don't know why mom and dad aren't speaking, they don't understand why visits suddenly stopped. Many times they simply think, maybe dad doesn't love me anymore, or maybe mom doesn't want me anymore. And that is so heartbreaking. Because as adults, we know the real story. Children usually don't. What they feel is absence, they feel empty. And one thing I've learned is children should never feel like they have to choose sides. They shouldn't feel guilty for loving both parents. They shouldn't feel like loving mom is betraying dad or loving dad is betraying mom. They are allowed to love both because they're supposed to. Don't make them carry the guilt that belongs to adults. So one day, your children, our children, will become adults. And then they'll start asking questions. They'll remember certain moments, certain things, they'll piece things together. They may discover that the relationship they could have had with the other parent was interrupted because of you, of unresolved hurt between adults. Don't let your pain become your child's inheritance. Because, see, the goal isn't to win against your ex, the goal is to raise emotionally healthy children. That should always be bigger than our pride. So, one thing I've learned from talking to parents over the years and from my own personal experience, and also seeing things around me, they notice when you show up, they notice when you follow through with your plans, they notice when adults stop communicating and start competing. So, like this week, dad brought a bike, so mom gotta go buy something bigger, like a dirt bike or something more electric. I've seen parents who didn't have a lot of money, but they gave their children consistency. I've always seen parents who could buy everything they want for their children, but the children still felt emotionally alone. So that reminds me that children don't need to just see the gifts you buy, they need that connection. They need something that money alone can never replace, which is time. So let's be real. If you're paying child support, thank you. Supporting your child financially matters. And don't let that check become the finish line. So I wanna I want you to ask yourself, when was the last time I asked my child how they were doing? When was the last time I encouraged them to be better than they were yesterday? When was the last time we laughed together? And I'm not just speaking for children that are 10, 11, 12, 13, and older. I'm speaking for our toddlers, our babies. And if you're the parent receiving child support, remember this. If your child has a healthy parent who wants to be involved, make room for that relationship whenever it's safe and whenever it's appropriate. Because children benefit when loving adults work together. Because at the end of the day, the goal isn't to win against each other, the goal is to raise healthy children, loving children, mentally healthy children, strong children. So let's get into some love gems here. I want you to remember that child support provides for a child. Parenting helps shape a child. And what we spell love l-e, our children spell it T-I-M-E. Presence is a gift your child will remember long after childhood. Healthy co-parenting isn't about keeping score, it's about keeping the child first. And remember, the greatest legacy you can leave your child is not the money. It's the relationship you build with them, the time you spent with them, the love you give to them. So this week, don't ask yourself, what does the court require? Ask yourself, what does my child need from me this week? What do my child requires? Maybe they need a phone call. Maybe they need a hug. Maybe they need some encouragement. Maybe they just need to know that you're thinking about them. Let's start there. If your child describes you in one sentence 20 years from now, what do you think they would say? Would they say, My parent paid child support, my mama took care of everything, my dad took care of everything? Or would they say, My parent made me feel love, seen, and important? If we're being honest, we all know which legacy lasts the longest. Alright, let's get into some affirmations. I'm almost at time. Take a deep breath in for me. Alright, exhale and repeat after me. I choose to put my child first. I lead with love and consistency. My presence matter. I will build relationships that my children can trust. I am creating a legacy of love. I choose corroboration over conflicts. Alright, my loves, thank you so much for spending this time with me today. Um, if this episode encourages you or challenges your perspective or reminds you of what truly matters, share it with someone who could benefit from hearing it. Remember, these conversations aren't about winning arguments or about who's right and who's wrong. They're about raising healthier families, having healthier children mentally and lovingly. So, new episodes of Love Lessons with Martisse air every Friday, and letters to the Love Coach premieres every Wednesday. Before I go, Love Island comes on tonight. Okay, our top four. I'm super excited for that. Sorry, I had to throw that in there for my Love Islanders. Um, until next time, keep healing, keep growing, keep loving, and remember, child support helps provide for a child sometimes. But parenting helps shape a child completely all the time. I'm Martisa Love Coach, and I love you guys so much. I'll talk to you soon.